MYLES GARRETT ESCAPES CLEVELAND: AUTHORITIES CONFIRM SUCCESSFUL EXTRACTION AFTER YEARS OF FOOTBALL CAPTIVITY

Breaking News: The Cleveland Browns have officially traded Myles Garrett to the Los Angeles Rams. And somewhere in Ohio, a Browns fan just looked at his television, looked at his dog, looked back at the television and said, "Again?"

Folks, I don't know whether the Browns are running a football team or filming a live-action remake of Dumb and Dumber, so let's review the greatest hits.

You had Baker Mayfield. You ran him out of town.

You mortgaged your future for Deshaun Watson. That blew up in your face.

You paid Watson enough money to buy several small countries. That blew up in your face.

You drafted quarterbacks like a kid playing Madden Franchise Mode with no salary cap. That blew up in your face.

And now you've traded the best defensive player in football.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Cleveland Browns. The organization that treats common sense like it's an optional team activity.

Now don't get me wrong. Jared Verse is a good player, but Myles Garrett is a monster. Myles Garrett isn't just a pass rusher. He's the reason opposing quarterbacks wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

The man has spent nearly a decade terrorizing offenses while carrying the Browns on his back like he was delivering furniture up five flights of stairs. Every Sunday Garrett showed up like a superhero arriving at a disaster scene. The problem was the disaster scene was usually the Cleveland Browns.

And what did Cleveland do? They packed him up and shipped him to Los Angeles.

The Rams looked at their roster and said, "You know what we need? More stars."

The Browns looked at theirs and said, "You know what we need? More draft picks." The Browns collect draft picks like people collect baseball cards. At some point you're supposed to turn them into football players.

Every year Browns fans hear the same speech, "Just wait until next year's draft." At this point Browns fans have waited through so many drafts that they should qualify for retirement benefits.

The Rams, meanwhile, are living by the greatest slogan in sports, "F--- them picks." And somehow every time they do it, they're competing for championships.

The Browns collect picks.

The Rams collect trophies.

Imagine being a Browns fan. You survived Johnny Manziel. You survived Brandon Weeden. You survived the 1-31 era. You survived the Watson disaster. You finally have a Hall of Fame defensive player. And then one day you wake up, and he's wearing Rams colors.

That's not football. That's emotional abuse.

And let's be honest. The Browns didn't just trade a great player: They traded the face of their franchise. The one player every Browns fan could point to and say, "At least we've got Myles Garrett."

Now what do they have? Cap space, draft picks, and another promise about the future because apparently in Cleveland, the future is always amazing. It just never arrives.

At the same time, the Rams looked at the upcoming season, saw the Super Bowl is being played in Los Angeles, and decided to push all their chips to the middle of the table.

The Browns looked at the same situation and said, "Let's start another rebuild." At this point the Browns rebuild more often than people update their cell phones.

The Rams see a championship window. The Browns see a spreadsheet.

The Rams see banners. The Browns see projections.

The Rams see opportunities. The Browns see another five-year plan (and we've all seen how those work out).

As for Myles Garrett, congratulations. You've escaped. You've officially completed what may be the greatest defensive play of your career.

Not the sacks.

Not the forced fumbles.

Not the Defensive Player of the Year awards.

Escaping Cleveland.

The Rams are gearing up for a Super Bowl run in Los Angeles while the Browns are gearing up for another episode of "Maybe Next Year." Again.

As for Browns fans? Don't worry. The front office has a plan. At least that's what they've been saying since 1999.

Mission accomplished, Myles. The extraction was successful.