Folarin Balogun Committed a Crime Against Paraguay, and FIFA Still Hasn't Issued a Warrant

Somewhere in Paraguay right now, defenders are waking up in a cold sweat hearing one phrase over and over again: "Balogun is behind you."

The United States opened its World Cup run Friday night by absolutely steamrolling Paraguay 4-1, and if you missed it, don't worry because so did most of Paraguay's defense.

The star of the night was Folarin Balogun, who scored two goals and spent 90 minutes treating defenders like they were standing in line at the DMV.

The first goal was simple enough. Christian Pulisic delivered a beautiful ball into the box, it bounced perfectly to Balogun, and he buried it.

The second goal? Forget soccer—that was a public humiliation. Balogun took a pass from Malik Tillman, shrugged off a defender like he was swatting away a mosquito at a Long Island barbecue, cut to his left, and launched a missile into the top corner.

The goalkeeper moved. The ball laughed. Goal.

At that moment, American soccer fans simultaneously spilled their beer and screamed, "WHO IS THIS GUY?!" For the record, he's the first American to score two goals in a World Cup match since 1930. Yes, 1930, which means the last guy to do it probably got home from the game by horse and buggy.

The U.S. also got some help from Paraguay, who scored an own goal because apparently they were so impressed with America's offense they wanted to join in. Nothing says hospitality quite like contributing to the other team's score.

By halftime the Americans were up 3-0, and social media had already begun planning the parade route. Paraguay finally scored in the second half, but by then it felt like the sports version of showing up to a wedding after the cake was already eaten.

Then Gio Reyna delivered the knockout punch in stoppage time with a goal so filthy it should've come with a parental advisory warning. The outside-of-the-foot finish was such soccer art that The Louvre probably called and asked if they could display it.

Final score: USA 4 - Paraguay 1.

But honestly, the score doesn't fully explain how dominant the Americans looked.

After the game, Balogun called it a "dreamy night." Dreamy? Buddy, New York sports fans haven't been this excited since somebody told Knicks fans they actually had a chance to win a championship.

Christian Pulisic couldn't stop praising his striker afterward: "The kid's insane. He's lethal right now."

Translation: "Thank goodness he's on our side because I'd hate playing against him."

What's scary is Balogun isn't just scoring goals. He's fighting defenders. Winning balls. Drawing fouls. Holding possession. The guy works harder than a guy trying to explain to his wife why he needs another fantasy football league. And remember, this is the same player who chose the United States after being pursued internationally. On Friday night, he looked like he was sending a personal thank-you note to every American fan who begged him to wear the red, white, and blue.

The best part? Balogun said he visualized scoring in the World Cup. Apparently he forgot to mention also visualizing himself turning Paraguay's defense into a blooper reel.

Now the United States heads to Seattle to face Australia, and if Balogun keeps playing like this, opposing defenders may start calling in sick.

One game. Two goals. Four goals for the U.S. And one giant message sent to the rest of the world: America didn't just show up to the World Cup—America showed up with Folarin Balogun. And Paraguay unfortunately got front-row seats to the show.

Somewhere in California, Balogun had a dreamy night, and somewhere in Paraguay, defenders are still looking for him.